Sunday, June 28, 2020
covid notes 8
I have a love/hate relationship with Zoom. All my shyness and social
anxiety still exists around it. My resistance is at least equal to real life,
but maybe more, because it feels as if the potential for awkwardness is higher
when we’re not in the same room. Seeing myself on a screen has never been easy,
but I once thought I was stopping my video when I actually had hidden my self
view, and then I couldn’t figure out how to undo that, and the thought of NOT
being able to see what others were seeing put me into a panic. I have to keep
an eye on the screen to make sure what’s going on is not too bad. Or embarrassing.
That aside, the social events always turn out better than I anticipate (kind of
like real life). But I’ve grown tired of all the concerts, readings, events
being pushed. I would never let my schedule get that crazy in real life, but it
feels like there’s more pressure to support these online efforts, between the
money and the social justice and the covid and the (unfair/inaccurate attitude
that) what else do we have to do/where else do we have to go anyway?
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I stare at my own damned video the whole time I am talking. I talk to ME. When other people talk, I watch them. But I become a complete narcissist or like, a parakeet, when it's my turn.
ReplyDeleteI don't like seeing myself talk, but yes - shyness and self-consciousness is accentuated on Zoom. It doesn't help that for some reason my hair colour becomes abnormally bright (over-saturated?) on screen and that distracts me all the time. It doesn't happen in Skype!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, supporting the online events. I've watched Dan Bern a few times, but he does so many online concerts I've actually grown tired of seeing him. I have not watched anything else.
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