The biggest heartbreak
for me—the thing I’ll be mourning the rest of my life—is that lack of a home.
Not feeling really at home as an adolescent or teenager. Not feeling like I had
a comfortable place to invite people to. Not having a place I wanted to go back
to—or could. Not having the kind of family where we could all hang out
together, or at least try to, because there was a place for it. There’s no
changing it, and I have to let it go. But it makes me sad. (And a little
resentful.)
And after years of having no control over it, you are now responsible for it. You, my darling Indigo, are entitled to more than a little resentment.
ReplyDeleteYes, what S just said. It's okay to feel sad (and a little resentful) for what you never had. (For other reasons, I never felt I could invite people home to my house/home either, as a child/teenager, and I feel sad about that too.) It makes me appreciate my home now so much more.
ReplyDeleteMe too, Mali. Never knowing when Dad would have one of his temper-tantrums, I kept friends away.
ReplyDeleteYes, you're definitely entitled to those eminently understandable-under-the-circumstances feelings of sadness and resentment. And whatever else arises as you continue to deal with this situation.
ReplyDeleteYes. This is a real thing. And mourning that the rest of your life is a likely thing too. I think many of us have similar pieces of childhood that, now that we are adults, we recognize as broken and sad and worth mourning.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone has said.
ReplyDeleteAdd my name too, please.
ReplyDelete