Misdemeanant

I may or may not have committed one or more of the following acts: driven at a speed higher than the limit; lifted magazines from waiting rooms; participated in an on-paper-illegal sexual relationship or two; recycled inappropriately; written and mailed an anonymous letter of questionable judgment; switched price tags on an item; partaken in ingestion of illegal substances; pinched office supplies from a place of employment; ordered drinks in a bar before I was of legal age; deaccessioned holiday ornaments in my collection by leaving them on other people’s trees; snuck into the gym without leaving a day pass; called the president a fucking asshole; wet a line without a license; shoved forbidden cream puffs into the pockets of a catering uniform; committed sexual acts that are illegal in certain states (unrelated to the cream puffs—mostly).